the Crucible

My Father

i knew that generationally and statistically speaking that the inevitability of guys coming through the ranks with single parents or fatherless parenting was increasing so i really i wanted to understand it. fortunatly a man who had dedicated his whole life to understanding fathering, was my “pastor” at the time. ed piorek a great man and truly someone i wish everyone could get the opportunity to know. i remember asking him how i could better understand, the fathers love. ed was the guru and i was the confused guy who had the greatest dad in the world and couldn’ t possibally understand how anyone would have father issues.

i’ll never forget the night over dinner. i wanted to understand the fathers heart better. he said do you really want to know? have a few kids and you’ll know. 12 years later i am only begginning to see what he means.

yesterday i saw it clearer then i every have, as i watched thunder’s eyes light up in the power ranger section at wal-mart, while i listened to him ride with me in our old vw bus, expalining (blogging) about his day. as i watched him struggle hitting a hockey puck and finally figuring it out. just looking at him so affectionatly. i got such a sense that the feeling i had was finally the fathers heart.

every once in a while i have a fleeting thought that something will happen to him and i immeadialty get the sensation of chasing and catching the person who wronged or injured him and literally ripping their arms off, physically beating them beyond reckognition, breaking their legs after i’ve curbed them a couple times, and leaving them for dead. it sounds morbid but i truly think this too is an outflow of love, in some way a protective fathers heart. i understand that aspect protection and have prayed that a similar scenario never happens.

there are so many components to the fathers love i am only begginging to understand. it is remarkabally humbling. a swirl of emotion and metephors i want to grasp. i can’t help wonder about all the other metaphors and stories of my god. who knew about dinosaurs, and doves and prostitutes and daughters, theives and sons, and has a mothers heart as well. how many times has he proudly watched me struggle to hit my “hockey puck” knowing that if he buts in early i’ll never learn?. . . how many times has he watched my eyes light up talking to him? . . ridden with me . .

++thankyou that you gave me such a great father
help me to not model things that will be bad to my kids
and people around me
help me to give your image of what fathering is to my kids
and those around me
help life to go slow so i don’t miss the oppourtunities++
help me to see them
teach me what it means to be better at them++

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Categorized as Prayer

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